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Although Disney World is known for having some of the most spectacular and thrilling rides and shows in the world, not all ideas for proposed rides and shows at Disney World turned out so great. This author recently received an anonymous email from a famous Disney character (I can't disclose who this fairy-tale whistleblower was for confidentiality reasons, but let's just say she is right up there on the Princess totem pole) who decided to blow the lid off of this exclusive story. Take a look at some of the rides and shows that you and your children could have been enjoying at Disney World, if Disney officials had not put the big kibosh on the plans. Davy Crockett's Chewin' Tobacco Spitting Spectacular In this frolicking Davy Crockett themed interactive show Disney guests and their children (only those guests over 4 years old for God Sakes, so don't get all offended) were invited to join Davy Crockett, Mike Fink and his riverboat pirates in a hilarious chewing tobacco spitting contest. Contestants got 3 minutes to stuff as many wads of chewing tobacco into their mouths as they could, get it nice and moist, and then begin to rain tobacco juice spit down on a delightful assortment of Disney characters tied up in a pit below them. Imagine the fun of catching Snow White right in her I'm-the-Fairest-in the-Land face with a big wad of tobacco goop. Extra points were given to all contestants who managed to hit Mary Poppins just as she hit the final note in Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. Disney officials cancelled the ride after too many mothers complained that the show was not historically accurate. Goofy's Crazy World of Intellectual Discussion and Political Debate Think about the hours of zany fun that kids would have sitting around a table with Goofy and his adorable friends engaging in elitist intellectual discussions and topical political debate. On this ride, Disney guests dressed in evening jackets and ascots as they sat at a moving table with Goofy, Donald Duck, Gaston and several other top Disney intellects discussing current events Harvard professors graded all participants for depth of ideas, grammar, reasoning, clarity and viciousness of their attacks on a scale of 1 to 5,482. Ride participants with the highest scores were given full scholarships to Ivy League schools. The rider with the lowest score at the table was forced to spend 30 minutes in the spit pit at Davy Crockett's Chewin' Tobacco Spittin Spectacular. Goofy eventually decided that it was far beneath him to engage in intellectual debate with common Disney guests and demanded that the ride be closed. Disney Princesses - Too Hot to Handle In this cutting-edge, male only show (only those guests over 4 years old for Gods Sake, so don't get all offended again), Disney imagineers decided to attempt to spike disappointing theme park revenues by moving the Disney Princesses in a whole new direction. This burlesque style musical/dance revue showcased Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and all of the other wholesome Disney princesses doing what they do best - strutting their stuff to hip-hop versions of favorite Disney songs. Trust me, until you have seen Princess Pocohantas shaking her teepees to an awesome version of Colors of the Wind sung by Flo Rida, you haven't seen anything. Needless to say, but I will say it anyhow because I like to hear myself talk, this show was short-lived. Violent protests by the Society Against Male Only Shows at Disney World doomed this venture right from the start. Dumbo's "Who has Big Ears" Disco Party Everybody knows that Dumbo the Elephant had the biggest ears ever seen on a living creature. Right? Well, don't delude yourselves. In reality there are plenty of unlucky kids and adults out there that have ears big enough to give Dumbo a run for his money. Have any of ever bothered to take a close look at President Obama's ears? He could carry the entire White House staff around in those babies and still have room for Jello. In this hilarious show, Disney guests with big ears were invited to join Dumbo on stage and wiggle their over-sized hearing appendages to catchy tunes and disco lights. Contestants were judged not only on the size of their ears, but also on their ability to fly like Dumbo while withstanding cruel taunts from the audience and haughty circus elephants. Dumbo's over-protective mother once again stopped the fun and had this show closed as a potential violation of the United States Tax Code. It's a Small World meets Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street This ride was Disney World's inspired, but ultimately misguided, attempt to merge their beloved "It's a Small World" ride with two of the most successful movie slasher franchises of all time, Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Riders were gently strapped into electric chairs, semi-submerged in blood-stained water and then floated around a delightful landscape of colorful dolls and scenes from around the globe. As repetitive, torturing, horrendous music played over and over in the rider's heads (wait a second, that was the original It's A Small World, not this one - Sorry). As SCARY, repetitive, torturing, horrendous music played over and over in the rider's heads, Disney guests were treated to endless bloody scenes of murderous mayhem as Freddie Krueger and Jason slashed their way through a wide assortment of wide-eyed and innocent dolls (all dressed, I might add, in pretty darn spiffy traditional costumes of their native countries). Ride guests laughed and cheered in good sport, as Freddie and Jason decapitated, gutted and tore the limbs from happy tots of every nationality and race. At the end of the ride all guests were electrocuted (only those guests over 4 years old for Gods Sake, so don't get all offended for the third time), but quickly revived by being slapped with a frozen fish by Minnie Mouse. Buttinsky do-gooders from several nations protested this ride and it was eventually closed when the United Nations Security Council passed a resolution putting an embargo on all knives, hatchets and cleavers being shipped to Disney World. That's the scoop, fellow Disney World lovers. So the next time you visit Disney World, pay silent homage to these rides and shows that might have been. Although forgotten in theme park history, they will forever stand as testaments to the unprecedented talent and imagination that is Disney World. Happy Vacationing! See for yourself if I am kidding: http://0f932c4chpjrbm9469vco4lpf0.hop.clickbank.net/ Get a Free e-Book on Six Great Reasons to Use Humor in Your Marketing, written by professional comedy writer and Internet marketing guru, Garry R. Spear. For your free e-Book go to http://www.sonicboomenergy.com
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