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Humor Articles and Ezines

Humor

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1. MUSIC & MOTHERS
May 11, 2018


You know, folks, I have a pretty tranquil life. I exercise, play tennis, swim; and will soon get back to running. I had to stop the latter because of sporadic hip pain that (now) seems to be abating. In addition, I practice piano, and have lately acquired (to my wife’s “delight”—NOT!) a trombone, which I am only allowed to practice when she is out. One conversation went like this: “That’s annoying and way too loud.” She held her ears, and made a painful face. “I’m only playing what’s written.” I squinted at the bass clef chart to see if that was true. “No, you’re playing what’s ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

2. BATTLE WITH A BIDET
December 20, 2017


So, here’s the deal: I was living in Riyadh, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA) trying to work a deal with the younger Khashoggi brother, Amr, to sell an oil additive to (among others) ARAMCO, the KSA national oil company, and YUSEF BIN ACHMED KANOO, a giant ocean transport corporation. I admit that selling an oil product to the Arabs was akin to selling ice to eskimos. Then again, it was an adventure; and I’m always up for adventures. My well-appointed flat was located on the fifth floor of the Al Khozama Towers adjacent to the Al Khozama Hotel. I was the first occupant, and the suite was sp... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

3. CHRISTMAS: A HALLMARK MYTH?
December 02, 2017


I grew up in the Midwest during the end of what climatologists call the Little Ice Age; a short period of time when the Northern Hemisphere was supposedly much colder than normal. What I recall about winter, up through my undergraduate college days, are frequent cold snaps and snow falling shortly after Thanksgiving accompanied by a season-long hard freeze. We built snowmen, had snowball fights and sledded down a hill at the local cemetery for the entire month of December. Snow continued to fall throughout the month, and rivers, lakes, and ponds were solid enough to support ice skating—and/or ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

4. Silver's History of Purity and Warding Off Evil
October 30, 2017


With Halloween upon us, it is time to brush up on our knowledge of which fictional monsters are susceptible to the effects of silver and the origin of many uses. Silver is often represented in folklore and contemporary fiction as an effective defense against werewolves, but vampires and many other frightful creatures are vulnerable to silver’s effects. Since ancient times, silver has been associated with purity and the moon. Ancient literature is brimming with mentions of silver and attributions to magical powers, antidotes to illnesses, lunar deities, bringing good luck, and protection again... (read more)

Author: Edward Wayne

5. REFORMATION or How Politicians screwed-up the System
September 25, 2017


It is basic human nature to make simple things complicated because so-called big-brained intellectuals get paid a lot of money to offer convoluted, and often times conflicting, explanations for simple matters. We seem to like complications in order to deny and/or avoid the truth. Even though in a past life as a consultant I’ve taken part in this charade, I am a believer of Occam’s (or Ockham’s) Razor which states the simplest or most obvious explanation is the correct one. Here we go— The theme of high school and college graduation snore-fest speeches, since before I was born, and probabl... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

6. Consequences of Time
August 06, 2017


At first I didn’t think it was a big deal. I told myself that I must have glanced away for a split second. Surely my skills couldn’t have deteriorated that much. Could they? I mean, I realize I’m no longer 25-years-old, but still-- Worse was the unfamiliar doubt that filled my head; doubt that nags to this day. Here’s the deal: In any sport, especially those demanding hand-to-eye coordination, there are three main components: conditioning, mental toughness, and physical skill. In my opinion, the mental part is where the bugaboos first step to the plate. See, physically you know what to... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

7. The Keurig Saga
July 08, 2017


We all get awesome wedding gifts. One of mine forty years ago was a Farberware coffee pot. It was an 8 cup perk and it cranked out wonderful coffee for a year or so. It met its' demise through Babcie, my mother-in-law. She was a devoted instant coffee drinker. So, the weekend that my parents came to visit, she filled the Farberware with water and put it on the stove to heat the water. She wanted us to have fresh coffee when we got up but confused the two methods of making it. My dad was first up. He hit the top of the stairs and smelled the acrid odor of the burning pot, flew down to t... (read more)

Author: Margot Howe

8. Amateur in the Kitchen
July 03, 2017


bakeware sets.   You can visit her site at http://www.BakewareSetsPlus.com.">I don't remember the first time my mother plopped me on the counter so I could help stir a batch of cookies. But I'm willing to bet that most everyone remembers their first unaccompanied foray into the kitchen. Mine came at age seven. Playing hookey from school (a sore throat or something similar) I had my heart set on whoopee pies. I'd seen enough of these marvelous chocolaty sandwiches come out of the oven. It sure looked easy enough. Reading the recipe was a cinch, but somehow my mind transposed 2 cups of flou... (read more)

Author: Margot Howe

9. My Last Day?
June 18, 2017


I awoke at 5:37 AM feeling well-rested and content, but rather peculiar without knowing why. Something was definitely off—not weird off, but like a revelation was about to be disclosed. As I opened the plantation shutters to the rising sun, there was a certain glow bouncing off terracotta roof tiles that reminded me of the Mediterranean. I thought of the French Riviera, and wished I could be there again, but this time as a young man during the 1950s before the turmoil of invading refugees from the Middle East: the velvet sea, the gay nightlife at the cafes on the waterfront, music in the air—j... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

10. The Martini Month of May
June 05, 2017


Well, May 2017 is behind us, and I am happy to report that I successfully fulfilled a ritual my brothers and I observe the twenty-second of every May—and will continue to fulfill as long as we remain in the quick. So far, the streak is twelve years. A word of explanation. My father enjoyed a martini or two when he relaxed after a hard day at work or following a fun-filled afternoon on the golf course. Now, I can already hear some of you ask, “What kind of martini?” Being a purist, I happen to know—though you may not—that I’ve already answered your question. You see, a martini consists of ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

11. The Trump Card
January 22, 2017


The following essay is not intended to either sway opinion, insult, or convert anyone to my thought process. It is simply an unfiltered opinion relating to recent national issues as analyzed by me. And who among humanity doesn’t want to hear my opinion? If not, read no further. Easy, huh? So, here we are months after the presidential vote, and a new leader has been installed. Still, most of what I see and hear on television / radio news shows, NPR, and read in print has to do with sobbing, complaining, swearing, and hand-wringing over the results. As much as I enjoy the asinine far left ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

12. Hate & Discontent: The New American Paradigm
January 11, 2017


With the conclusion of the bitterly contested 2016 national and state elections, do you speculate whether or not the country can return to an environment that resembles “normal”, whatever that is? I’m thinking, probably not. What a comic opera. We had two divisive lightning-rod presidential candidates representing the two major parties who, with their minions, seemed to divide the country even further. It was apparent that no outcome would be deemed acceptable much less satisfactory given the choice voters had to make. The result was stunning and unexpected—sort of an O. Henr... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

13. The Reluctant Yogi of CantaMia
October 18, 2016


I enjoy an active lifestyle in the community of CantaMia, nestled in the Estrella Mountains near Goodyear, Arizona; and (almost) admit to being in denial about the ravages of age. However, deny as I might, insidiously, little things creep in. A winking, grinning imposter shows up in my mirror. (Hey, how ya doin’?) Reminders of old injuries and surgeries ominously surface in occasional shoulder, knee, and hip pains. On the tennis court my eyes pick up the ball slower than I remember, which sometimes results in faulty footwork. Shot quality and direction suffers. Frustrating, y’know? By-an... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

14. One Evening in Goodyear, Arizona
September 24, 2016


In 2015, Kay and I moved to CantaMia in the Estrella Mountains near Goodyear, Arizona. It’s a 55-plus, gated community, with a resort atmosphere and inhabited by active people playing golf, tennis, pickleball, bocci ball; and keeping fit in the gym, practicing yoga, and lap swimming. During the afternoon and evenings there is a definite party atmosphere. In other words, it fits my particular lifestyle. With that in mind, one of the ladies recently celebrated a milestone birthday so to commemorate the occasion, 30 (or so) of us decided one Friday afternoon to travel down-the-hill to a ven... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

15. One-Eighth of a Tank
July 11, 2016


Elmer Fudd answered, "Simple, Bugs, when I put on my right shoe, the other one is left." WHA...??? I crumpled the small, waxed-paper comic strip and threw it toward a nearby trash bin. I didn't "get" the joke; and something else was off: mainly, in that comic strip, Elmer Fudd didn't substitute w's for r's like he did on the screen when Mel Blanc gave him voice for the Warner Brothers animated shorts. I was six-years-old sitting on a wooden pallet behind McBroom's Grocery Store. I had purchased, for a penny, a wad of bubblegum. I think it was Double Bubble because of the Bugs Bunny ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

16. CSI 18b-The Case of the Deadbeat Beauty
April 14, 2016


Not everything always works out in Forensicland. Sometimes we strike out. In more ways than one. I was gazing out the tall windows of my office at the blue, blue Santa Barbara sky, with nary a cloud in sight. It was my 50-something birthday. The bills were ignored. It seemed like a perfect day. Then the phone rang and a delightful voice answered. Ginger Justín. She laughed; she loved my jokes; she thought I was brilliant. She said I was perfect for her. As an expert. I reminded her of her dad. Her deceased dad. I should have taken the cue. It seems that Ms. Justín’s dad had pa... (read more)

Author: Steve Burgess

17. The 2016 Elections: Best Comedy of the Year
March 04, 2016


Cue the circus music, roll out the goofy car filled with 34 baggy-pants clowns… You’ve got to admit the 2016 election cycle circus is entertaining. It reminds me of all that phony crap we see on TV rasslin’. It’s about as classy as roller derby. That’s also the sad part about the state of affairs in the good ol’ USA. I mean, politics has always been rife with skullduggery and backstabbing, but with the ascension of today’s pretenders we seemed to have reached a zenith of all out buffoonery. I’m talking both sides of the aisle here. The frontrunners are a female Grinch whose as cuddly as a... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

18. Super Bowl 50: Give Cam a Break
February 14, 2016


Poor Cam Newton is taking a lot of heat for the results of Super Bowl 50. In case you missed the big event, the final score was Broncos 24, Panthers 10. Newton took quite a physical beating courtesy of the Denver Broncos unrelenting, swarming defense. The Carolina defense also played very well basically holding the Denver offense to three field goals. Personally I hoped that Denver would prevail for Peyton Manning’s last hurrah, but logically told all who asked my opinion that Carolina would put the game away in the first half. I just knew the game would be a beat down with Denver as victims a... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

19. The Oscar Controversy: 2016 Version
February 11, 2016


The annual, self-congratulatory, beauty contest called the Oscars has hit a bit of a snag this year. The hubbub is about lack of diversity (or representation) on the so-called dignified panel of nominating “judges”; that is, those who decide what and who is worthy of recognition. Pardon me, but ho-hum, yawn, drool, and zzzz. I mean, I enjoy motion pictures as much as the next guy, but consider the film industry’s offerings strictly as entertainment not high art or a social reform platform; and I take great pains to avoid watching the annually televised borefest where nude little statues are co... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

20. The Soulmate Myth
January 30, 2016


For me television programming has become more annoying, especially lately. Professionalism has flown right out the window. Examples: 1) Big hype in San Diego about the Holiday Bowl featuring USC and Wisconsin, except the Wisconsin highlights were of Nebraska. I guess they couldn’t tell the difference of an “N” or a “W” on the helmets; 2) A printed exclamation on an ad for a new reality show was WOAH! instead of WHOA! Remember when the appeal of cable TV (they said) was zero commercials because (they said) the public would be paying monthly dues. As my Dad used to say, “Horse manure!” Still, I ... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

21. The Holidays: Past & Present
January 08, 2016


My thoughts for this essay are about fourth quarter of 2015: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Day—the jolly Holiday Season, but mainly Christmas since the others are (for me) leadoff hitters for the main event. To review, Halloween led off with a homerun as chronicled in GHOST OF HALLOWEEN, a road trip with my brother, Thom, for his last trumpet gig. Thanksgiving started off good, but turned sour (CHRISTMAS BLAHS) as Kay battled sciatica. The whole end-of-the-year shebang reminded me of a gas log fireplace; that is, a fake fire pretending to burn cheerfully. Lest you thin... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

22. 10 Commandments of Comedy Club Etiquette
October 20, 2015


A lot of people will disregard the importance of basic etiquette when at a comedy club such as Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, but it is important in a comedy club as much as it is anywhere else that people are performing. Here are the 10 commandments regarding basic comedy club etiquette to take with you. I. Thou Shalt Know the Rules of the Club This should go without saying but the first comedy club commandment is to know the rules of the club and respect them. Every comedy club has its own rules and make sure you know what they are before you go so you can be respectful. ... (read more)

Author: Cleo Gib

23. Music Appreciation
July 06, 2015


As I’ve grown older, I’ve become less patient with activities that don’t add value to my life. See; what happens is that you realize the day-of-the-hearse is approaching. Therefore, with quality-of-time in mind, among other things I’m selective about the choice of concerts I attend. Not that I’m some kind of snob; quite the contrary. You see, my taste in music is eclectic; that is, I enjoy most genres, but (like you) I have those I favor; namely, bebop jazz and classical. Favorites can be identified by what one listens to while reading, driving, or relaxing with a cocktail—the times of solitud... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

24. MOVIN' ON
June 20, 2015


May 2015… Lately I’ve been obsessed about something that it’s probably best not to spend hours, or even minutes, being bugged about. But I doubt that I’m alone. I’ll lay odds you’ve had a similar experience a time or two; like having some undesirable thought enter your mind that you don’t want to be there. It’s like being conscious of the beating of your heart, y’know? See I’ve lived all these years and still find it mysterious that my heart keeps beating with no control from me; and my blood circulates; and my gallbladder empties itself of yucky liquids; and my liver secretes bile; and m... (read more)

Author: Gene Myers

25. Equality and diversity is about much more than political correctness.
April 21, 2015


Equality and Diversity training. How does it matter in the workplace, anyway? Surely, the average staff member is too focused on their work to treat those of a different background to them in a hostile way? Alas, you would be surprised just how necessary such training remains in the 21st century workplace. However, equality and diversity training is also about so much more than political correctness or the basic respect for other people that one might imagine it to boil down to. True, a company may initially seek such training due to a documented instance of sexual harassment or other di... (read more)

Author: Smith Lara



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