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Why is it we all seem to struggle so? Why so much dissatisfaction? We never seem quite satisfied with who we are, with what life brings, with where we are in ourselves. It’s almost as if, were we satisfied, we fear there’d be no more reason for us to live; as if the Creator might descend on some big burst of light and pluck us straight away: “This one’s done! Beam him up, Scotty.” I’ve had that bizarre fear myself, the fear that if I allow myself to feel satisfied, happy even, well then, the (presupposed) fall will be so much worse. Safer to stay slightly under, slightly under-fulfilled. That way I can protect myself from some lurking devastation; slip in under the radar. It’s as if, by giving myself an intermittent fix of unease, I’ll never have to suffer one of the “really big ones” …Stay closer to down and the bottom won’t hurt so bad (Something like that.) Stupid, of course. Still, many of us do this through much of our lives, I’ve noticed. Do we all live with some inherent fear of unworthiness? Is there something in the process of birth and the slow differentiation of self that leaves us each carrying a basic wound, no matter how loving and nurturing the home? Is there something in life itself that is imprinted on each Soul? Something built-in that jump-starts the inner yearning for our home-coming to Source? Is this internal stir of dissatisfaction, Life’s built-in wake up call? I think this is so. God (Creation, or if you prefer, the Ground of Being) wanting to know and experience itself, requires reflection - requires the Fall into differentiation and form in order to have reference to itself. Without this separation into differentiated form, there is no discernment — no “knowing”—and therefore no dynamic of “the observer observing the observed”. Without this dynamic, all would remain formless, undifferentiated consciousness. God, the Ground of Being could not step out of Itself to see and know Itself. And so, here we are, a great cosmic breathing: re-membering Unity, and Fall-ing back into duality and the timeline of subject/object reference. What frolic, this never-ending yearning to separate and to unite! I call it the Great Godly Game of Hide and Seek. And we’re, each of us, an integral part of this Godly Frolic. Dissatisfaction was built into the equation (hard-wired into our very cells) if only to perpetuate the movement to hide and to seek. Life itself, stirred by its own aliveness: “Move!” Life continually calls out. …“This isn’t it.” the psyche hears. This is one oddly conceived game. The one hiding is seeking. The one seeking is in hiding, in a game that never finishes. No winners, no losers (though we keep believing ourselves one or the other in alternating fame). No pushing the clock forward to hurry things along, though we pretend that we can, are and have. …Ahh to feel as one of the Enlightened few… (Somewhere out there the Referee must have thrown up his hands. …Somewhere right here too!) I want to say here: “So let’s all just loosen up. Let’s be good sports.” In the game of hide and seek, at some point in the game, the Seeker yells out: “Ally, ally, in free. Come out, come out, wherever you are!” …And all those who are hidden, come join around the Tree of Life. Most of us don’t think we’re lost from ourselves. Oh, we may feel that inner stir of “dissatisfaction”, that itching sense of never quite feeling at peace, never being quite whole, a sense that something is missing. And we seek all sorts of ways, from comic to tragic, to scratch the itch of dissatisfaction. Most often we seek to pinpoint the cause of these feelings of dissatisfaction in the circumstances of our present life: a wrong partner, the wrong career, definitely the wrong body! Or, we find the cause in our past: an abusive or neglectful parent, hurtful past relationships, wounds of all sorts. We spend countless hours revisiting over these various causes to which we’ve attributed our feelings of dissatisfaction. We spend thousands of dollars on therapies, groups, pills, and countless other modalities that promise to heal the causes of our dissatisfactions and dis-ease. We try new partners, new jobs, jazzercise, cosmetic surgery, psychic readings, Stairmaster, church groups, pot, parties, books, a new SUV, yoga, yell therapy, wardrobe consultants, Feng Shui, meditation, affairs and fantasies. An endless array, best I can see, hoping to fix ourselves of this nagging inner feeling of dissatisfaction. It seems we’re ever in a state of “not quite right”. In fact, most of us have many “not quite rights” going on all the time. Interesting, don’t you think, this basic dissatisfaction, and the constant efforting to fix it? It seems quite clear to me that we live in a continual circularity trying to fix “not quite right”. But none of these fix-its stop the itch. It may solve one problem. We just go on the next one stacked up in a line—and then another and another. Why is that, do you suppose? I wonder if another perspective is required. I wonder if we’re looking at “the problem” from too close in. I wonder if we’re looking inside of the box for the troubles, and not at the box itself. For me, realizing the role of dissatisfaction as inherent to the process of God (Consciousness) knowing Itself through us (as individuation) takes us out of the box. It relieves us from the burden of trying to fix ourselves and opens us instead to the potential of an entirely new relationship to dissatisfaction: one that moves with it as part of the flow of a vibrant living current. This requires a fundamental change in perspective. No longer is dissatisfaction considered the symptom of an underlying problem at all. Rather, I accept this thing we call and feel as “dissatisfaction” as a form of dynamic tension that is inherent to the Current of Life. I accept that it is part of the momentum that brings a separate “me” back into realization of Oneness: “I Am That I Am.” This perspective, for me, lives closer to truth. It is a fundamental reorganization of being. It is the place mystics call realization; it is the realization of Life breathing me—and that I Am the Breathing. It is coming to live within mystery and grace time and time again. It is a state of presence that denies no thing and embraces All. This is the great paradox of Life: Truth abides all around us, and nowhere can it be found. Just as we can never quit the stirring of dissatisfaction that seduces each breath of separation and re-membering, we can never rest wholly in our Godliness nor wholly in our individual-ness. We can only come to see and to delight in this dance, the lover for her beloved, as we fall into grace from time to time eternal. SUGGESTED EXERCISE: THE GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK Create a space where you can lie down and be undisturbed for 20 minutes or so, and have nearby something with which you can write. 1)Lying down in a comfortable position, and give yourself 10 minutes or so to breathe deeply—not quite as full as you can, but as fully as you can and still be deeply relaxing. (You may choose to play some meditative music, but I suggest it be something that won’t distract you from going inward.) 2)As you begin to relax, sense into your Deepest Essence, into what you sense or hope or feel is your deepest potential or soul essence. It could come as a memory of a time when you felt very connected to life, or just as a sense of longing for that deepest part of yourself, your soul. 3)When you feel that you have touched a sense of your true essence, take a moment or two and then sit up and pull out your writing materials. Write out those times, places and circumstances you feel most connected to your sense of soul: Where are/were you? What are you doing at those times? What do you feel inside when you are most connected to your soul? When was the last time you recall feeling this way? 4)Then, and still from this sense of soul, start to notice all the ways (big or small) that you feel you hide from yourself: When and where are you least connected to your sense of soul? What are you doing at those times? What do you feel like? (Hint: look for times and ways that you are bored or depressed, anxious or irritable. Look for behaviors “you don’t like” in yourself.) 5)Next, list all the things you are dissatisfied with in your life. Things about yourself, things about your circumstances. (Some obvious places to start: your body image, your health, your career, your spouse, your sense of well-being—you get the idea.) Just put them all out on paper, as many as you can, saying, “I am dissatisfied with….” (We all have a “gazillion”. Let it rip!) 6)Now go back over the list of times, places and ways in which you feel most connected to your soul. Try and just “feel into” that sense of soul. Offer a prayer to become more open to your soul’s wisdom of expression in your life in whatever words or ways fit your expression right now. 7)Write this prayer (or the essence of it), with a mental note that you will observe how “dissatisfaction” continually comes into your life and how this dissatisfaction takes you away from or brings you toward soul. (You might wish to keep a journal, but don’t over effort this part. It is better in my experience, to let it be a gentle observation/contemplation kept in the back of your mind as you go about your life, rather than something made into an exercise to “accomplish”) Let your prayer to soul and your notice of dissatisfaction be gently with you over the next several days and weeks. I’d like to hear back from you on what you discover… About Author:
Ronda LaRue is a gifted spiritual teacher and author living in Ojai California where she leads private and small group retreats and apprenticeship training programs in the SoulArts Process of Awakening. Her Ojai Center for SoulArts was ranked one of the top 10 spiritual retreats in the world (Asia Spa Magazine, 2007) This article is extracted from a chapter in Ronda LaRue's first book: Remembering Who You Really Are: Awakening from the Dark Night of Soul – a contemporary classic and personal expose of spiritual healing and transformation. For more :www.CenterForSoulArts.com
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