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The subject of this rant concerns the interpersonal relationship creation process between opposite sexes; attractions that endure and those that are temporary. Both follow the same basic rules in my fogged brain. So I figure why not start with a scientist; but not just any ordinary scientist--a statistics and probability nut! What could be colder and more impersonal (therefore more objective) than a statistician? If we can find something there; that would surely give credence to a universal human process as it affects libidos. Am I right or am I right? W. Edwards Deming, PhD (1900 - 1993) was an American statistical scientist who went to Japan in 1946 and became a driving force in turning Japan into a world economic power. The guy knew his beans about management and productivity. Deming described Lola, his wife and co-worker, as follows: "She was my life, my reason to live and work. We had fifty-four years and eighty-four days together. She said to me on that last Saturday night when we went out for a short walk that she remembered the evening when we went for a walk on Macomb Street before I had asked her to marry me. How lovely she was, and so she was all her life and in death, beautiful." Whoa! This cold, no-nonsense, hard-ass who used to chew out Fortune 500 CEOs had a soft side, and was a lover! Imagine that! Okay, so we know the effect; what is the cause? Like expressed in the old song lyrics, what causes that tingle; and that explosion when two tingles intermingle? Then: Why does it stop for so many people? I think we can all agree there is a lot a variation in this crazy process. Variation. That brings me back to science and Dr. Deming. Statistics teaches that there are two causes for variation: COMMON cause and SPECIAL cause. Recognizing the difference can be difficult, and our inability to do so is the main reason we get in trouble in business, politics, stock market, love, etc. Now hang with me here, dear reader, we're not going to take off on some boring discourse. The subject is libido (sex), remember? Yeth thir! Anyway common causes are inherent within any process, and there is (almost) NOTHING we can do about them; nothing practical that is. I'm talking about personality, basic outlook and honesty, pheromones, morning breath, and stuff like that. Attempting to manipulate or change a COMMON cause is called TAMPERING with a stable system. The affect of tampering increases variation by at least a factor of two, that is, makes the process twice as bad. It turns out we usually start off a relationship by tampering. That first meeting is the best time to be completely honest, to show one's true self. Yet, many believe they aren't "exotic" enough so they embellish for the sake of seeming more attractive. For one-night-stands it may work; for longer relationships it is disastrous. One lie leads to another yada, yada...disappointment abounds. On the other hand, SPECIAL causes are symptoms that something has changed within the process (or system). This is both bad and good news. Special causes WILL result in a process increasing in variation and/or shifting into something undesirable. The good news is that if special causes are recognized they can and must be removed for the process to remain stable. Examples in a relationship would be: poor hygiene, halitosis, bad manners, loud farting and belching, giving your iphone/blackberry priority over your partner, etc. All processes in life vary according to some type of predictable distribution. This is why we tend to go to the same barber or hairstylist. The results are more predictable. Chances are we won't have to miss school or work to recover from a bad haircut. The common cause and special cause nature of variation is also present in our process of selecting permanent and temporary sexual partners and mates. Hoo-hah! See, not only do we blow it after the fact, we set ourselves up for failure from the outset by not understanding the basics of statistical variation--or if we do, we ignore it. Sometimes we think with the wrong part of our anatomy (sigh). We blather, "I'll get him/her to change." Not if the problem is rooted in COMMON cause you won't! To change common cause variation in people requires either religious conversion or psychoanalysis. Good luck. It is my opinion, after years of wondering and half-assed study, that sexual attraction is a fairly random process, or at the very least, is made up of a process that has extremely wide variation from common causes. I realize this will change somewhat from person-to-person, but I'm betting--more accuately predicting--that for most of us this variation is wide enough to be functionally random, dumb-luck, catch-as-catch-can. In other words, we will accept almost anyone who accepts us. If not, why a 50 percent divorce rate? Why has pop culture invented the phrase "starter-marriage"? You're probably at least a little bit curious about my basis for such opinions. I'll get into a bit of personal history in Part 3. Copyright by Gene Myers Author of AFTER HOURS: ADVENTURES OF AN INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN, AEG Publishing, New York, NY (October 2009) www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/AfterHours.html www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnoble.com Author of SONGS FROM LATTYS GROVE, PublishAmerica, Baltimore, MD (August 2010)
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