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This is the second in a series of three essays written to explore the subject of romantic relationships. The first was entitled BAD ROMANCE—perhaps some of you read it. To be precise, in that article I was not referring to a “sad” romance—you know, a little one-or-two-week affair that went square. Nosireebob; no way. What I meant was a really, really deep-down hurt. You had to get your just desserts for the experience to officially qualify as a bad romance. The title of this blurb is my suggested remedy for the first article since when one has a bad romance it’s definitely prudent to get out of town. I mean, it may hurt too much to hang around the old neighborhood where you got dumped—or perhaps had to be the dumper yourself. There are too many potential enemies or behind-your-back chortlers or crocodile-tears pitiers, y’know? Time to pack your suitcase and move on down the road—and (what else?) look for new bad romances. You see, I’ve studied the problem “scientifically” and I have proof whereof I speak, to wit: Cast your mind back to when you or a “friend” recognized the symptoms of a cooling relationship. Symptoms like a turned cheek to deflect a would-be kiss; your partner being too busy with a “work associate” (yeah, that’s it) or having to nurture a so-called crises-laden friend; unreturned phone calls; ignored text messages; forgotten or cancelled dates—well, you get the idea. Suddenly you’re sitting on the bench all alone—riding the (relationship) pine. (Not to mentioned embarrassed.) You hear phrases like, “Are you finished yet?” and “Get off me, you’re heavy” and this old favorite, “Can we just be friends?” if so, Sparky, you’re doomed and it’s time to find yourself a good travel agent. It could also be that she’s just not into you anymore due to a change in her life. A change like: someone else she’s admired has become available; a new interest or hobby that does not include you; or maybe she adopted a new pet who unwittingly became your replacement. Let’s expand on the last statement because it’s more insidious in that often neither party sees it coming. In a way, however, that scenario could be a blessing by ending an ill-fated affair early, thereby saving both parties time, effort, and money. Let’s say a new puppy or kitten comes on the scene. Now, who doesn’t adore a cute, little, playful puppy or kittycat? Let’s assume the expense of a pet is not a problem; (and they are expensive). Let’s further assume that both are willing to share the chore of exercising the dog. (TV dog whisperer, Cesar Millan maintains dogs require two 45-minute walks a day. Failing to do so is flagrant abuse according to him.) Also, say picking up turds for 15 years is of no concern. So far, all is well. But what happens when the human partners have different pet behavior requirements--paradigms that happen to be rigid “holy ground”? Examples: One dating couple I know broke up because her dog was a constant and unrelenting shrill yapper. She tolerated or ignored the behavior and he hated it. The cacophony drove him bonkers. The relationship ended when she added a second dog that exhibited the same behavior. She had the attitude of, “Aw, aren’t they cute?” The frustrated dude literally left town and never again saw his former squeeze. Another couple had their honeymoon cruise ruined because she was inconsolable due to her dog’s absence. She was uncommunicative and “unavailable” during the entire two-week holiday. (Ah, wedded bliss. Don’t you just love it?) Amazingly, the marriage survived. However, a few years later after having to cough up thousands of dollars for damages to a hotel room by her dog who had separation anxiety because they went to dinner, the man gave her an ultimatum. She kept the dog. Adios hubby, it’s been nice knowing you. A third couple called it quits shortly after she rescued a dog from a shelter. He did not allow the dog on furniture and she did. The dog often sat between them, which shutdown intimacy the couple once enjoyed, say, a little kissy-face during a TV commercial. He insisted the dog spend the night in his doggy bed; she preferred the dog on the bed. They had been engaged. He reluctantly moved on after being relegated to second place of her affection. To quote Cesar Millan, “You treat dogs like dogs, not like humans.” However, Millan maintained in each of the foregoing examples that the root cause of the relationship problem was human, not canine. I am happy to report that each of the above expelled gentlemen had a good travel agent that helped them move on to new locations. The second found a new sans-pet partner. The others are still out there looking, but still single. Whatever the reasons for cooling relationships, it’s important not to accept that’s just-the-way-things-are. The situation should be considered a problem to be solved, not to be accepted as fate. For instance, smallpox was a deadly killer that was accepted by the populace as fate until some determined scientists in 1934 considered it a problem to be eliminated. No more smallpox. I mean, c’mon Slick, do you want to become one of those duffass couples out there staring at each other over dinner without even exchanging a word? What a waste of life! Time to get a good travel agent, pack your bags, and move on down the road. Find a relationship where you burn the candle on both ends, and maybe also in the middle; one where each new day is filled with joy and discovery. Don’t end up like song lyricist, Lorenz “Larry” Hart. He died at 48 with a broken heart because he didn’t have a good travel agent to save him from bad romances. He finally gave up. “My Funny Valentine” was written to himself. Give the song a listen with that in mind. Your working boy, Gene Myers aka Zorro
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romantic relationships, dumped, cooling relationship, someone else, new interest, new pet, fate, Lorenz "larry" Hart,
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