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Domestic violence and domestic assaults happen in all socioeconomic groups, in families of all ethnic backgrounds and is widely misunderstood by society as a whole. A person who is the perpetrator of domestic assaults is a master manipulator in his/her relationships. They present as a "great" person to people outside of the family circle. When courting their prospective spouse, they were model suitors. After all, no one would consent to marry the perpetrator if they showed their true colors and tendency to being violent. For the sake of this article, the perpetrator of domestic assaults will be referred to as male and the victim as female. Domestic violence occurs with the woman being the abuser and also occurs in homosexual relationships, but for ease of information, the information is being given in a more "typical" scenario. Why does a person engage in domestic violence? Domestic violence is centered in concepts of power and control over another person. Frequently, an abuser was abused as a child and felt powerless over their own life. Abusers are often survivors of domestic violence in the family and learned their patterns of abuse from their parents. Without outside help, it is nearly impossible for an abuser to change, and few will seek this help voluntarily. Why doesn't a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault simply leave their abusive relationship? There are many dynamics in a family with the cloud of domestic violence. The abuse is a family secret and often minimized by the victim herself. They witness that the abuser apologizes and goes through a cycle of tension, explosion/event, and a honeymoon stage. For women in middle and upper class families who are have more education, there is an additional feeling of shame involved in being in an abusive relationship and she doubts her own judgment and self worth. She can't believe that she found herself in this situation in the first place. The resources in the community are unknown to many women in this socioeconomic group, and her support system is limited. If she confides her abuse to a friend, she is often confronted with a statement similar to, "If my husband ever did that to me, I would leave." For victims of abuse, the path to leaving is more than walking out of the door. The power and control that the abuser has on her is far reaching and creates a process of leaving. What effect do witnessing domestic assaults have on the children? When children witness domestic violence the effects are long reaching. Depending on the ages of the children, what they witnessed and if they are victims themselves, the results will be different. Young children can become very needy and cry more often, needing physical reassurance. School aged children may have problems concentrating in school and be more anxious, checking to see if doors or windows are locked. Teen witnesses to domestic violence may engage in more risk related behaviors, drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, and engaging in sexual relationships. Since children may not be able to understand what they are seeing, they may manifest their processing time with nightmares, flashbacks of the abuse, and acting out the violence that they witnessed on siblings, younger neighborhood children and peers. Getting psychological help is critical for every member of the family to help the family heal from abuse. What about family courts, aren't they the answer? Unfortunately, many family lawyers and the family court system are uneducated about the reality that abuse is often not reported until the final straw. Several individuals have created a legal defense, called parental alienation syndrome that throws doubt on the abused, stating that she made everything up to get a better case in court. PAS can happen, but it should not be the free ticket out of jail for abusers, as it is too often in the family courts. Another area that the abused does not do well in family courts is that she is just beginning to find her own voice after years of being suppressed. The abuser has a polished appearance already to the outside. She comes off being disorganized and unable to express herself, and insincere, when in reality, she is recovering from intense trauma and needs time and psychological help to be able to process and express herself with her own voice.
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